Valley of the Zombies

Ever hear of the Valley of the Zombies?
No, not the cheesy 1946 British horror flick of the same name. I mean a term coined by robotics professor Masahiro Mori in 1970 – sometimes called "the Uncanny Valley" – to describe a peculiar phenomenon of human perception.
His theory, which is all the rage among robotics experts and 3-D computer animators, goes like this: We love to anthromorphisize other creatures, right? (Think of all the people who call their dogs or cats their "kids.")
And they more these creatures look like us, the cuter they seem. Imagine a graph with resemblance to people on the X axis and cuteness on the Y axis, and the curve will be a straight 45-degree line.
Until they start looking a little bit TOO much like us, that is. Then, all of a sudden, adorable becomes creepy, and the line on the graph takes a precipitous dip.
Think of the Frankenstein monster. Or the undead in "Night of the Living Dead." Or, for that matter, zombies.
They're much more repulsive than, say, the Wolfman, the Blob, or the Beast from 50,000 Fathoms. It's that eerie, almost-but-not-quite resemblance that makes your flesh crawl.
And that brings us to Mitt Romney.
He's been criticized as robotic and inauthentic, but I don't think that explains why so many people find him so unsettling.
The root cause is his weird affect, including the bizarre things he blurts out – "Strange things are happening to me!" "I love those cheesy grits!" "I'm unemployed, too!" - and the way he stammers when answering the simplest question.
And have you ever seen anybody more uncomfortable in a pair of jeans? From an image viewpoint, he's stuck in the Valley of the Zombies.
This has nothing to do with politics. I have much more in common with Mitt than I do with, say, Rick Santorum. But Santorum, whatever you think of his politics, comes across like a real person.
Ditto for Newt, although he sometimes lapses into self-parody. And Ron Paul, who looks like a friendly little gnome who leaves copies of "Atlas Shrugged" in children's stockings at Christmas time.
I admit I'm talking style, not substance. But what do you think gets people elected?
Not substance. If it did, Richard Nixon, not Jack Kennedy, would have been elected in 1960. In fact, most people who listened to the debates on radio were sure Nixon outscored Kennedy on points.
But not the people who watched on TV. To them, it was a contest between the past and the future – between the young, vigorous Kennedy and the old, stodgy Nixon.
Ironically, Nixon was a young man, too – only 47. But, as journalist Richard Reeves noted, "Nixon was an old man's idea of what a young man should be."
You could see the difference in their campaign photos. Both chose pictures from their service in World War II. But Nixon's showed him posing stiffly in his Navy dress blues, while Kennedy's was an action shot of a bare-chested JFK at the helm of PT-109, sporting aviator shades, a battered fatigue hat and a grin that stretched from ear to ear.
It was enough to overcome fears of a Catholic president then; and unless Mitt gets real, it could be enough to overcome fears of an African-American president now.

Berkeley's Best

Berkeley has been variously described as "Rodeo Drive for intellectuals," "a place where even the dogs have their preferred coffee drinks," and "a small town that thinks it's the center of the universe."
It has produced such colorful personalities as pioneering police chief August Vollmer (the man who made fingerprinting an investigative tool), baseball scrapper Billy Martin, muckraking journalist Lincoln Steffens, poker-faced tennis champ Helen Wills Moody, novelist C.S. Forrester (creator of Captain Horatio Hornblower), physicist J. Robert Oppenheimer (father of the atomic bomb), and supermodel/actress Rebecca Romijn, who, after she hit it big, gave a huge donation to her old middle school, Martin Luther King.
But for my money, the most important people in the city's history are two men whose birthdays occurred this month.
The first is the man without whom Berkeley literally would not be Berkeley - George Berkeley, an Anglo-Irish bishop who would have celebrated his 327th birthday on March 12. He's the guy the town is named after.
It happened in 1866, when UC President Henry Durant and members of the Board of Regents, including California Attorney General Frederick Billings, were enjoying a picnic at Founders Rock.
Today, you can barely find Founders Rock because of all the tall buildings around it. But back then it had a gorgeous view of San Francisco Bay.
As they watched the ships sailing through the Golden Gate, Billings was inspired to quote poetry: "Westward the course of empire takes its way."
"Who wrote that?" someone asked.
"Why, George Berkeley, the Bishop of Cloyne," said Billings. "That's it! Berkeley! We'll name the town Berkeley!"
And the rest is history.
The other man is Joseph Charles, who would have celebrated his 102nd birthday on Thursday.
If you drove by the corner of Oregon and Martin Luther King Thursday morning, you probably saw a bunch of people waving at you and shouting, "Keep smiling!" and "Have a GOOD day!"
It was a tribute to Mr. Charles, who did that every morning from 1962 to 1992.
In the process, he became the most beloved man in town. People would drive for miles out of their way, just so they start off their day waving to the Waving Man.
Mr. Charles died in 2002 at age 92. But the people of Berkeley refused to let him be forgotten.
Since 2006, people have stood on the corner in front of his house on his birthday and waving to the morning traffic, just as he did.
He even has a Facebook page, "Friends of the Berkeley Waving Man."
One of the wavers is Denisha DeLane, who remembers waving to Mr. Charles when she was a little girl every Sunday morning on her way to church.
"We're going to pass on a great Berkeley tradition to the next generation," she vows.
Of course, when he first started waving, not everyone was so enthusiastic. The neighbors thought he was crazy and called the cops.
But the police quickly sized up the situation and said, "Go ahead, Mr. Charles. You just keep on waving for as long as you want."
And he did.
If you missed Thursday's celebration, don't worry. They'll be back again next March 22, and they invite you to wave to them - or even join them on the corner.
Until then, keep smiling. And have a GOOD day.

Return To Sender

Happy Return To Sender Day!
What? Never heard of it?
That's not surprising. It's a brand-new event invented by Sarah Kidder, a professional etiquette consultant and event planner in Oakland. The day is dedicated to returning items you've borrowed and asking for the return of items you've loaned. The first one is next Tuesday.
"I was reorganizing my office and came across a few things I've been trying to give back to people, things I've been tripping over, including some old shoes left behind by a houseguest and a pair of designer candles I've been holding for my brother," she says. "And I keep looking for things I've loaned out but have never been returned.
"I was chatting with my friend Jenny, who was also in the same boat, and she noted how awkward it is to ask for something back after six months, or a year, or five.
"So I said, 'What if we made it easier for people to ask for their stuff back? And what if and took the shame out of returning something two years late?'"
And we said, "We should come up with a day!"
The first Return To Sender Day- RTS Day, for short - will be next Tuesday, March 20, the first day of spring. (Spring cleaning, get it?)
But is anyone really hankering to get their old stuff back?
"Absolutely! Very few people forget about the weird stuff they've loaned out, even if it's been decades. You don't forget about that book or that swing record. It doesn't even matter if you really want it any more. It's the principle of the thing."
To make it easier for you, Kidder has set up a website and Facebook page with a FAQ sheet and some downloadable templates of reminders to send your friends. Among them:
"Missing: Deep Fryer. Last seen: Your house. For that BBQ you hosted. You said you'd bring it back Monday. That was nine months ago. I'd like it back on RTS Day."
"Wanted: Faux Vintage Telephone. You borrowed it for a theme party. You don't even have a landline. I miss it. It's been two years. Please return it on RTS Day."
"I have your DVDs. I'll drop them in your mailbox on RTS Day. Sorry it's taken so long to get them back to you."
To access the Facebook page, go to www.facebook.com/RTSDay/ To access the website, visit www.sarahkidderdesigns.com/
"RTS Day gives everyone a chance to ask for their stuff back without sounding like a nag or petty, and it gives a guilt-free way to return items," she says. "I don't know where this is all headed, but I hope it goes viral. I think it would be wonderful if people had a way to get their power drills or Tupperware back and keep their friendship."
Old Polonius was right: "Never a borrower nor a lender be." But if you must borrow, give it back!
So get ready, Cliff Stoll: I'm going to return two books - "Courtesans and Fishcakes" and "Bowling Alone" - that you loaned me five years ago.
And David Kemnitzer: I'd like to get back that autographed copy of "Fear On Trial" by John Henry Faulk, which you borrowed from me back in 1970.
What's on your RTS list?

Polonius Was Right

Happy Return To Sender Day!
What? Never heard of it?
That's not surprising. It's a brand-new event invented by Sarah Kidder, a professional etiquette consultant and event planner in Oakland. The day is dedicated to returning items you've borrowed and asking for the return of items you've loaned. The first one is next Tuesday.
"I was reorganizing my office and came across a few things I've been trying to give back to people, things I've been tripping over, including some old shoes left behind by a houseguest and a pair of designer candles I've been holding for my brother," she says. "And I keep looking for things I've loaned out but have never been returned.
"I was chatting with my friend Jenny, who was also in the same boat, and she noted how awkward it is to ask for something back after six months, or a year, or five.
"So I said, 'What if we made it easier for people to ask for their stuff back? And what if and took the shame out of returning something two years late?'"
And we said, "We should come up with a day!"
The first Return To Sender Day- RTS Day, for short - will be next Tuesday, March 20, the first day of spring. (Spring cleaning, get it?)
But is anyone really hankering to get their old stuff back?
"Absolutely! Very few people forget about the weird stuff they've loaned out, even if it's been decades. You don't forget about that book or that swing record. It doesn't even matter if you really want it any more. It's the principle of the thing."
To make it easier for you, Kidder has set up a website and Facebook page with a FAQ sheet and some downloadable templates of reminders to send your friends. Among them:
"Missing: Deep Fryer. Last seen: Your house. For that BBQ you hosted. You said you'd bring it back Monday. That was nine months ago. I'd like it back on RTS Day."
"Wanted: Faux Vintage Telephone. You borrowed it for a theme party. You don't even have a landline. I miss it. It's been two years. Please return it on RTS Day."
"I have your DVDs. I'll drop them in your mailbox on RTS Day. Sorry it's taken so long to get them back to you."
To access the Facebook page, go to www.facebook.com/RTSDay/ To access the website, visit www.sarahkidderdesigns.com/
"RTS Day gives everyone a chance to ask for their stuff back without sounding like a nag or petty, and it gives a guilt-free way to return items," she says. "I don't know where this is all headed, but I hope it goes viral. I think it would be wonderful if people had a way to get their power drills or Tupperware back and keep their friendship."
Old Polonius was right: "Neither a borrower nor a lender be." But if you must borrow, give it back!
So get ready, Cliff Stoll: I'm going to return two books - "Courtesans and Fishcakes" and "Bowling Alone" - that you loaned me five years ago.
And David Kemnitzer: I'd like to get back that autographed copy of "Fear On Trial" by John Henry Faulk, which you borrowed from me back in 1970.
What's on your RTS list?

JazzGirls

(Above: The Montclair Women's Big Band)

Hey, all you young jazzwomen. (And there are a lot of you out there - more than you know.) Tired of being one of the only females in the band?
Wondering where all the other girls are?
Thinking about joining a jazz group, but feeling shy or discouraged by the lack of other female musicians?
Have I got an event for you!
Come to Berkeley High next Saturday, March 10, for the first ever JazzGirls Day, led by prominent professional women jazz musicians and educators, including trombonist Sarah Cline, director of the Berkeley High Jazz Program; trumpet player Ellen Seeling, director of the Montclair Women's Big Band; tenor saxophonist Jean Fineberg, co-director of the Jazzschool Girls Jazz & Blues Camp; and pianist Susan Muscarella, founder and executive director of the Jazzschool.
"We'll play some tunes, have a jam session, break into groups by instrument, and talk about our experiences as women and girls in the jazz world," says Cline, the first female to head Berkeley High's award-winning jazz program.
This event is for girls only. It's absolutely free. And you don't have to be a student at Berkeley High. It's open to all girls age 10 and older who sing or play an instrument.
"Bring all your friends," says Cline, "even if they don't play jazz yet."
JazzGirls Day will take place from 1 to 5 p.m. Please RSVP to Cline at sarahcline@berkeley.net to let her know you're coming.
Not only is admission free, attendees will also get discounts on tickets to another, related event happening that evening and the next day a few blocks away: the first annual Jazzschool Women's Jazz Festival.
Saturday night features the Young Lionesses, an all-star band of emerging jazz stars in their twenties and early thirties, including pianist Erika Oba and alto saxophonist Kasey Knudsen, already a legend for her bebop solos.
On Sunday afternoon, a dream team of veteran jazzwomen - including Cline, Fineberg, Seeling, bassists Carla Kaufman and Ruth Davies, alto saxist Mad Duran, and drummer Kelly Fasman - will join forces at the Jazzschool for a once-in-a-lifetime concert.
Each of them has a well-established reputation, but this will be the first time they've all played together. Tickets are expected to go fast, so call the Jazzschool at 510-845-5373 to reserve yours now.
It's hard to believe in 2012, but jazz, unfortunately, is still a bastion of male chauvinist piggery. Unless they're singers, jazzwomen have a hard time getting gigs with bands, bookings at jazz festivals, or teaching positions with major university jazz programs.
Things really haven't changed since Cline was a student at Berkeley High herself 30 years ago. At the time, she was one of only two girls in the school's highest-level jazz ensemble.
Despite all her efforts, guess how many girls are in that jazz ensemble today? The same number: two.
That's why she and her fellow musicians are putting on next weekend's events: to tell the next generation of jazzwomen, "Yes, you can."
Have a blast next weekend, girls. And don't listen to anyone who tells you that you can't play jazz as well as boys.
It's about as valid as something similar I used to hear all the time in the 1950s and early '60s, when NBA coaches, players and sportswriters all firmly believed that African Americans can't play basketball as well as whites.

Books Are Your Friends

I gotta admit: I'm totally stoked because tomorrow is my favorite party of the year: the annual Glenview Elementary School Read-A-Thon in Oakland.
Next Friday, March 2 – Dr. Seuss's birthday, natch – the kids will put away their schoolwork for the day and do nothing but read for pure pleasure.
And they go at it with gusto, especially the littlest ones, who often come to school that day in their pajamas, dragging their teddy bears and sleeping bags behind them.
Using chairs and blankets, they make forts in the middle of the classroom, climb in with their favorite books, and read to their heart's content. It's beyond cute.
It's also very smart. When I was their age, the teachers made us read as punishment when we misbehaved. It taught us a bad lesson: Reading is a drag.
But these kids are getting the opposite message: Reading is fun!
The all-day-party is the kids' reward for the previous two weeks, during which they have been knocking on doors in the neighborhood, asking people to sponsor them in the Read-A-Thon.
The kids pledge to read at least 30 minutes every night, and the sponsors pledge to support them by donating to the Glenview PTA.
Now, I'm not crazy about children having to go door-to-door begging for money for their education – we certainly didn't have to in my day - but it's not Glenview's fault. Blame the shortsighted politicians in Sacramento who keep balancing the state's budget by taking money from education.
Without the Read-A-Thon, Glenview's enrichment programs - chorus, art, drama and physical education – would be at risk, as well as the school aides who help out in classrooms and at lunchtime and recess.
And the school takes every step to protect the kids' safety. They must be accompanied by an adult they know personally, and they can knock only on doors of people they know personally.
At the big party next Friday, awards will be given to the student who logged the most reading hours and the class that raised the most money in pledges.
The luckiest kids of all are the ones in Mr. Miller's 2nd grade class. Once again, as he does every year, he's making them an offer they can't refuse: If they can raise $3,000, he'll let them watch while his hair gets cut off and his head shaved.
There's never a cleanup problem. The kids prize the shorn locks as souvenirs, and they scoop them up as soon as they hit the ground.
Once again, some outsiders – including Oakland cops and firefighters; Cal student athletes; writer Leah Waarvick, author of "I Sit and Stay: A Survival Guide for Kids (And Parents Too!" and her dog, Emma; and me – have been invited to read some of our favorite books to the kids.
If you'd like to contribute to the Read-A-Thon, send a tax-deductible check to Glenview Elementary PTA, 4215 La Cresta Ave., Oakland CA 94602.
Or support any school you like. The kids at Glenview aren't rich – almost half receive free lunches, which is a traditional way of measuring poverty – but they're better off than their counterparts at many other schools, where the parents are too poor to even have a PTA.
They all need our help.

We'll Never Forget What's His Name

Next Monday is Presidents Day, but who cares?
Not me. What kind of holiday is this? Does it mean we should be celebrating losers like James Buchanan and Andrew Johnson?
No, it's just a generic hybrid of Lincoln's birthday and Washington's birthday that falls on a Monday between the two. And for what? So we can have another three-day weekend.
Back when I was a kid, Washington and Lincoln's birthdays were celebrated on their actual anniversaries. And everyone made a big deal about them, too, with public ceremonies, school assemblies and specials on TV.
And they deserved it. Washington was not only a strategic genius who won our independence, he was that rarest character in history: a conqueror who resisted the temptation to seize power. But he gained something more valuable than power: moral authority. When he died in 1799, even his former enemies mourned. Every ship in the British fleet fired a 21-gun salute in his honor.
He was our Obi-Wan Kenobe, not our Darth Vader. And as a result we are the world's oldest ongoing democracy.
And Lincoln was the man who saved that democracy and freed the slaves in the process.
But lumping them together in a generic holiday that could just as easily include Millard Fillmore and William Henry Harrison is tantamount to performing a lobotomy on our national memory. We risk losing our connection to role models who might help us combat today's problems.
But what about our beloved three-day weekends? Isn't it more convenient to move everything to the nearest Monday?
But that's my point: Inconvenience is good. The reason our forebears created national holidays is that some people made such big contributions, it's worth inconveniencing ourselves for a day to stop and say thanks.
Look, I like long weekends as much as the next person. The British create them by periodically declaring what they call "Bank Holidays."
But if you're claiming to honor our past, do it. Let's go back to bells and bonfires and public readings of the Gettysburg Address - and on the actual anniversary, too.
And speaking as one who is old enough to remember those days, I can tell you that the annual ritual had an added advantage: It inspired kids to dream that someday they could grow up to be like another Washington or Lincoln.
That also goes for our other holidays. Martin Luther King's birthday should be a day for all of us to take time to solemnly reflect on racism and how it has been the greatest curse afflicting our country.
Ditto for Labor Day. Who nowadays stops in the middle of a department store sale to think about Eugene V. Debs, Walter Reuther and the other labor pioneers whose sacrifices gave us some basic rights that are under attack once again, like Social Security and the right to organize?
Honoring the heroes of the past is not ancestor worship. It's actually a message of hope for the future. It makes us remember that democracy is an ongoing struggle. And that means we'll get our chance to be heroes, too.
Unfortunately, the trend is running in the opposite direction. Things are getting so generic, it won't be long before Christmas is the last Monday in December and Independence Day is the first Monday in July.