Have you ever received one of those
weasely I'm-sorry-if-you-were-offended apologies that only make you madder?
Worse, have you ever sent one?
I asked Sarah Kidder, a
professional etiquette expert and event planner in Oakland, for tips on how to apologize
properly.
Tip No. 1: Mean it. "The most important ingredient in
an apology is sincerity," says Kidder. "An insincere
apology adds insult to injury."
Tip No. 2: Less is more. "When you're late for my birthday
party, would I like an acknowledgement that you're sorry? Yes. But should you
stop the party for a 10-minute monolog on your amazing adventures in traffic,
hijacking the party and boring the entire room? No.
"Of course, when you've done
something that truly hurts someone's feelings, a fuller apology may be
required. But that doesn't mean throwing in a bunch of justifications. It's not
about you; it's about what you did. Why you did it is irrelevant."
Tip No. 3: If you break or lose something, replace it. "Again,
the bother and the cost should not be born by the person who owned the item,
but by the person who broke or lost it," says Kidder. "They already
did you one favor by lending it to you in the first place. They shouldn't have
to keep doing more."
Speaking of borrowed stuff, Kidder
says few things hurt a friendship more than not returning them.
"Trust and respect disintegrates
with each month that you don't give the stuff back. Since embarrassment and
forgetfulness are often to blame, I've created Return To Sender Day to make it
easier for people to ask for their stuff back without sounding like a nag, and to take
the shame out of returning something two years late."
Return To Sender Day – RTS Day, for
short - is held twice a year: on the spring and fall equinox, which means the
next one is Sept. 22. To make it easier, Kidder has set up a website and Facebook
page with some downloadable reminders to send your friends. Among them:
"Missing: Deep Fryer. Last
seen: Your house. You said you'd bring it back Monday. That was nine months
ago. I'd like it back on RTS Day."
"Wanted: Faux Vintage Telephone.
You borrowed it for a theme party. You don't even have a landline. Please
return it on RTS Day."
"I have your DVDs. I'll drop
them in your mailbox on RTS Day. Sorry it's taken so long to get them back to
you."
To access the Facebook page, go to www.facebook.com/RTSDay/ To access
the website, visit www.sarahkidderdesigns.com/
"I don't know where this is all headed, but I
hope it goes viral," she says. "I think it would be wonderful if
people had a way to get their power drills or Tupperware back and keep their
friendships."
What's on your RTS list?
* * *
Finally, happy birthday to Puddles the Duck, one of
the most popular residents at Children's Fairyland in Oakland, who celebrated
his 10th birthday last week. That's twice the normal life expectancy
of ducks like him, which goes to show how much TLC the animals at Fairyland get.
Puddles is a very friendly duck who will jump up in
your lap. But don't let him stay there too long. They don't call him Puddles
for nothing.
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